Blue Moon: A Review in Haiku!

It's a departure from my usual form because I NEED a departure from the parapseudo norm.  I'm sure I'll return quickly to my safe, rambling posts.  I was tempted to go Full Bitch on this one (but that's only because I'm so tired of grading research papers); instead, I decided to cram my snark into 17-syllable jabs.  

A girl named Ever
after four hundred years is
still a virgin.

Her virginity
is a commodity that
Damen can't afford

which is weird because,
like the Cullens, his wealth is

Elixir of life
to miserable mortals:
weird, red Gatorade.

Ever loves Damen.
Ever hates Roman. Roman
hates Damen.  The end.

Roman hates Damen
cuz he thinks he killed that bitch
Drina.  He is wrong.

Roman mind-controls
Ever's pathetic high school.
Boring bad boy tricks.

So here's the good stuff:
Story?  Nah.  Characters?  Nope.
Wait.  Just let me think...

No penetration,
no shivering, gasping kiss.
They call this romance?

If I wanted to
read about time traveling,
I'd read H.G. Wells.

Laguna Beach is
breathtakingly beautiful--
but not in this book;

instead, it is as
plain as the paper the words
have been printed on.

Back to Rogue Roman,
a young immortal orphan.

Another blondish
jerk with teeth like white Chiclets--
True Laguna Beach.

Will Ever ever
(in her words ) "jump Damen's bones"?
All we care about.

Damen sure knows how
to unhook a bra damn fast...
but not fast enough

cuz Ever puts the
kibosh on sex.  Don't worry!
Roman screws them both.

Hardy har!  I think of this exercise as a microcosm of what the author must've gone through--trying to shove awkward junk into a space that doesn't work.  She's trying too hard for my taste.  Trying to weave too much story together.  Leaving me with questions about simple stuff--like who the hell cares about these kids?  Wondering why she writes so many fragmented sentences starting with -ing verbs.  Ending ideas before they...

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