It's a departure from my usual form because I NEED a departure from the parapseudo norm. I'm sure I'll return quickly to my safe, rambling posts. I was tempted to go Full Bitch on this one (but that's only because I'm so tired of grading research papers); instead, I decided to cram my snark into 17-syllable jabs.
A girl named Ever
after four hundred years is
still a virgin.
Her virginity
is a commodity that
Damen can't afford
which is weird because,
like the Cullens, his wealth is
immeasurable.
Elixir of life
to miserable mortals:
weird, red Gatorade.
Ever loves Damen.
Ever hates Roman. Roman
hates Damen. The end.
Roman hates Damen
cuz he thinks he killed that bitch
Drina. He is wrong.
Roman mind-controls
Ever's pathetic high school.
Boring bad boy tricks.
So here's the good stuff:
Story? Nah. Characters? Nope.
Wait. Just let me think...
No penetration,
no shivering, gasping kiss.
They call this romance?
If I wanted to
read about time traveling,
I'd read H.G. Wells.
Laguna Beach is
breathtakingly beautiful--
but not in this book;
instead, it is as
plain as the paper the words
have been printed on.
Back to Rogue Roman,
a young immortal orphan.
Oxymoronic!
Another blondish
jerk with teeth like white Chiclets--
True Laguna Beach.
Will Ever ever
(in her words ) "jump Damen's bones"?
All we care about.
Damen sure knows how
to unhook a bra damn fast...
but not fast enough
cuz Ever puts the
kibosh on sex. Don't worry!
Roman screws them both.
Hardy har! I think of this exercise as a microcosm of what the author must've gone through--trying to shove awkward junk into a space that doesn't work. She's trying too hard for my taste. Trying to weave too much story together. Leaving me with questions about simple stuff--like who the hell cares about these kids? Wondering why she writes so many fragmented sentences starting with -ing verbs. Ending ideas before they...
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